“Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law”
“How come millipedes have so many legs but can’t even move very fast”
(via thebootydiaries)
this one time I ran a red light on mistake and I didn’t notice it was red until it was too late so I just ran the light screeching like an angry pterodactyl the entire time
a cop was at the intersection so he pulled me over and when he came up to my window he was wheezing cause he was laughing so hard and he said
“ok so i know you ran a red light and that’s really bad and you should never do it again but i’m not gonna give you a ticket cause that was the funniest thing i’ve ever seen and my partner can’t get out of the car cause he’s laughing so hard he’s about to pee himself”
i forgot that i’d had my window open when i ran the red light and the cop told me that all he heard from my car was this really high-pitched “screeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
and that’s how i got out of getting a ticket for running a red light
(via thebootydiaries)
(via teenagedbliss)
(via urban-prada)
cancelled in 2017: cheating, side ho culture, bragging about fucking someone elses partner
hot trends for 2017: being faithful, getting engaged and/or married, respecting peoples relationships, and also beating up bitches who think being a side chick is cool and fun
“side ho culture” sounds like a jab at polyamory
no the fuck it doesnt. shut up
(via stability)
you’re what i think about late at night and you’re the reason why i can’t fully love anybody else